The Side of White

Congratulations Egotrip's The White Rapper Show for awarding the $100,000 to the right candidate. I hope your show gets picked up for many more rounds. Serch, you're still completely juiced!!

I Vibed A Baby

Today I vibed a baby. It wasn't intentional & it was quite unexpected. It was because I didn't want him to throw his baby hot dog on my carpet. A LOT. See, he's just started eating solid food and of course he's just doing his baby thing. Obsessive me was doing nothing but absolutely focusing on the baby not dropping that hot dog on my not so clean carpet. He looked at me and I looked at him and he started BAWLING. Out of nowhere. I've never seen him turn on a dime like that before. Well maybe once from this electrical cord that was freaking him out. The other adults in the room were like, "Oh, baby, what happened? There's nothing wrong...". But there was. I scared the crap out him with my intense desire for him to not mess up my living room. To my defense, I really have only ever worried about MY stains and messes.

I'll be getting over my problem by devising some kind of tarp solution or something. More importantly, I now know the baby and I have a deeper, intuitive communication and that's totally great and totally scary. What do I do now that I know that a baby can "read" me? Way better than most adults, by the way. That baby has some kinda swagger.

We'd like to Thank the Academy

The 79th Annual Academy Awards are upon us Aunts and Uncles and I've been watching a lot of movies to catch up. So has the baby. He'll be cinematically literate. 2006 was a good movie year. It's the first in a long time that films have outnumbered documentaries for me. I'm thinking THE DEPARTED will sweep the five categories for which it's nominated. Only five? Scorcese is just the shit and The Departed is just such a better movie than Gangs of New York. I'd REALLY like to ask the 3-6 Mafia who they voted for. Whatever The Departed doesn't take, like that could happen, can be reasonably awarded to Forrest Whittaker, Alan Arkin, Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal, any of the cast or crew of The Departed and any of the cast or crew for Little Miss Sunshine. Not surprisingly, one of my 2006 favorites, CRANK, isn't mentioned, but that's the same thing that happens whenever I vote. The people, propositions, or whatever ballot measures I vote for never win, place or show. I think I'm just hot for Jason Statham. I'm saddened that the Academy has decided to nominate The Illusionist for anything & pleasantly surprised that Ryan Gosling was recognized for Half Nelson. Half Nelson kinda pissed me off, but coke does that to me. If that's what Director Ryan Fleck wanted me to feel, it worked. Good luck Marky Mark. I love the Funky Bunch in your pants very much.

Finally, and sadly, my CRANK for 2007 will probably be Smokin' Aces. I love gratuitous violence, Jason Bateman (who didn't get nearly enough face time), and lawless bounty hunters/hit men. Hope springs eternal.

Our Oscar themed dinner party tomorrow will have enough table food for the baby because he can eat that now. I think he's been kinda disappointed that the table food he's longed for isn't Disneyland in his little mouth. He doesn't know what Disneyland is yet and he isn't close to knowing what disappointment is.

Disclaimer: Only one Aunt worked on this post. Other contributing Aunts and Uncles are not necessarily represented in this post.

Hustlers, Hos and Jane Fonda

As an Aunt, it's part of my job to keep up with the next potential threats to a child's well being. I don't know if this level of debauchery will infiltrate the Baby's world, but as I've stated before: I can't predict the future.

I'm almost done w/ this Mickey Avalon tangent. I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner. Lindsay Lohan's Halloween "costume" is pretty Jane Fonda. If you decide to watch the video, Mickey's dancers are dressed in Jane Fonda garb circa 1983. Since the song "Jane Fonda" is about getting your whore on in a series of compromising positions as the Jane Fonda Workout demands, it only stands to reason that Lindsay Lohan, who sllegedly LOVES sex, would wear this.

Ok. Take your birth control pill. Fastforward. I actually almost feel bad for Lindsay with the media following her to AA meetings, but again, not really. I'm sure the Wonderland rehab facility has inhouse meetings, so I fail to see why she should breach the anonymity of the regular LA freaks trying to recover. That just plain sucks. I sure do like her Mercedes though.

Survey the Landscape

A short trip to Bakersfield reminded me that babies are babies everywhere. It was interesting and enlightening to visit with other babies. I'm pretty selective about kids I'll hang with because I'm not necessarily a baby person. It was great to meet a baby approximately our baby's age w/ the same kinds of development and acting out skills. It was a good baby fix until I could find my way back home.

Egotrip's The White Rapper Show and Mickey Avalon

Because I'm a grown ass Aunt w/ no kids, I can listen to dirty white boy rappers like Mickey Avalon whenever I want. BTW, Mickey Avalon is perfoming @ Pop Scene in SF on Feb. 22nd.

Though I've engaged in several ethical arguments about Egotrip's The White Rapper Show on VH1, I'm still coming out on the side of white. Yeah, yeah...white people acting black...I know. Offensive. The redeeming factor of the show is the thinly veiled contempt exhibited by Serch and pretty much every guest on the show. I'm putting my money on $hamrock to win, place and show. Long live Third Bass!

You So Crazy

Forever starts tonight. Why does the anthemic epic "Total Eclipse of the Heart" still work for me? And becomes that much more funny with the work "fucking" randomly inserted.
I'm confused. The folks in the first video might be too. Gay, Broham, or a little from Column A and a little from Column B? Still not better than the Dan Band.

Wow. Anna Nicole is Dead.

I'm not all that surprised. However, as an Aunt, I'm weighing in on this. I only feel sorry for the baby. I can't imagine a series of events that will result in sanity for this little one. I can't see one person that could turn this trainwreck around. I find it particularly sad because, for this one, it's not for lack of money.

On a related note, it's also kinda annoying that my gossip blogs keep following Lindsay Lohan to her AA meetings. I feel sorry for the other people at the meetings. I guess part of recovery is taking responsibility for your karmic burden, but man, that 's a heavy load. I guess it's been a series of slow "news" days since all the really rich people are doing what they do somewhere warm and slightly exotic.

Fly Me To the Moon a/k/a Handle Your Scandal

I guess I missed the bus yet again. If NASA was looking for a Crazy Lady, I should have been right there interviewing. I can be a woman on a MISSION. A crazy mission. Hell, I've been one. I'm just a little better about keeping my inside thoughts on the inside during the crusade. 900 miles to meet a flight? I've picked up people from the airport too and it's very high pressure. The next time I get busted for stalking/attempted murder I hope Nancy Grace has lots of shit to say about me. Now THAT broad is fucking crazy. First time I've actually sat down and watched her program. Scary crazy. If she in any way represents what's going on in the rest of the country, the pooch is SCREWED.

A Pox on You

Ewww. In addition to the wet cry hole, there are little pustules growing on the baby. This happened the day after his "shots". Either that or he has Chicken Pox. Whatever. I guess this is for a parent to figure out, but it's an Aunt's, or Uncle's, problem to deal with. As a handwashing Aunt, I don't need this. Virulent and super active? There's no way for me to clean everything he's touched. I've heard this is common after innoculations, but it just looks like a huge downer for everyone.

Not only that, but today I dealt with a serious case of Mud Butt. It even entailed an outfit change. This day can only get better. There's a reason I'm only a part timer.

Friday Tip: When faced with Mud Butt from your Mud Duck, don't be afraid to throw down a newspaper or two when changing fully blown out diapers. Irritate a baby's tender skin? How about wrap and toss? When we're dealing w/ poop that's potentially everywhere, creating a surface that can go away is good. Typically, I'm not about "wrap and toss", but drastic times call for drastic measures.

Baby's First Super Bowl

...was also one my drunkest. Thank God there were plenty of other loving hands around to pick up the slack. Turns out he thought the game was as boring as I would have if I hadn't been drinking. At a mere .9 months, he's almost walking and has certainly twice as much energy as I do and half as much of an attention span. It's actually very fun, even though I still can't wear dark clothes around his slobbery cry hole. It's a good time to be an Aunt.

Scary Movie

I think you're probably up on this, but if Boston is serious about recovering $750,000 for services rendered, they are crazy. If they could have asked any kid, student of any age or stoner, they would have a solid answer. I'm also not so pleased that Boston tipped their hand. What if something was really wrong? I can't concieve of the lack of preparation and consultation the "authorities" are operating with. And asking for money...please...Massachusetts is not Oregon. They have money. And if they really thought something was up, wasn't it money well spent? I was thoroughly impressed with A.T.H.F before, but now I see the world will share my joy. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Go Williams Street!!!

BTW, METALOCALYPSE is really good. The talents of Brendon Small, of Home Movies fame, are completely appreciated.