Holiday Party Foul...Etiquette 2.0

Let me just begin by saying any holiday garbage you have to attend should never involve a sentence beginning w/ a bitter, "My Girlfriend's, Girlfriend...". It's a colossal PARTY FOUL. Actually ANY sentence like that, even without the bitterness, is not what you want. Unless it is. I know I don't want it. The baby learned a bit about "ear muffs" that day.


PROBLEM:
* The people involved in uttering these words are never the people you want to imagine...EWWWW...you know...

* It frequently makes EVERYONE uncomfortable in the Rosie- O'Donnell-this-is-going-on-for-so-long kinda way.

* Just a little too freaky to drop on a stranger @ a holiday function. So much so that I might even remember the names of these people so I can ask the host if they'll be @ the next party there. Or maybe anywhere.

* I don't think they are necessarily trying to solicit party guests. They are trying to "out freak", a/k/a get attention from, anyone who'll listen.

* Not a good example to a baby of HANDLE YOUR SCANDAL.

Ok. Since I pinpointed the problem, I would never leave you hanging! SOLUTIONS that effectively shut 'em down.

* If you are afforded the option of not making initial eye contact, bolt for another room as soon as you realize where this chit chat is going.

* Try to change the subject. This doesn't always work because people w/ an agenda are hard to stop.

* Refer to the baby, in any possible way, to exit the room.

* OUT CRAZY the CRAZY. Go fucking nuts on them and start telling them about the Marin County Adult Diaper fetish and try to sell them some breastmilk for $175.00 USD an ounce. Make sure to add that the baby has some formula that can be whipped up real quick. Assure the offending parties he'll never miss the breastmilk. If they're persistent, offer them a diaper.

Now this last one worked 100% of the time right up until this weekend. A hardcore offender suggested to me you don't have to have a baby to lactate. She was the Hong-Kong action hero of not stopping an agenda. Hard ball. I had to counter w/ "Excuse me. I need to make a phone call to unload six ounces of this milk if you're not interested. It's going to spoil in the next 2 hours. Do you need any clean urine?". Guaranteed out.

I am not judging. I am all about getting off, no matter how you do it. I am just wanting people to understand the consequences of a particularly inappropriate party foul.