Happy New Year

Make sure to scare off last year by lighting lots of fireworks.

Bailout 2.0: The Jonesboro High Dance Team

This Dance Team got suspended for developing skills that will help them finance their college educations, create their own economic stimulus package and concurrently get them ready for the impending trickle down bailout. The coach got fired. Whatever. If it keeps even one student out of Heald College, I say DO IT. Bailout with y'alls tail out. I'm not even going to be overly critical of the 2 gals/weak links who will begin on Wednesday afternoon shifts or at worst, have to audition on amateur night, because they're still in high school and will have plenty of time to get up to speed. I love the South and this just reminds me why. I can barely remember if there's a bar in Georgia that's NOT a strip bar. It's obvious that more Dance Teams should be following their lead and even stepping it up by accepting dollar bills. Aunts LIKE dolla bills & the stoopid gumby gold, yo. Of course those dollar bills will go to fund next year's uniforms, more full length mirrors and coaches that will remind a certain 2 students to get to practice & whatever incidentals are incurred by a Dance Team. The Dance Team can be a new business model for students: generate money, sink it back in to your business, repeat. Oh and it's even better because every year, new dancers are automatically dumped into the mix. Seamless. Keep up the good work and remember there's no shame in taking a dollar bill someone is waving at you!

Whew!! There's a whole group of recessionistas I don't have to worry about. Oh, you're going to want to turn the sound down on this. It is not necessary.

Bailout

Here's my idea for the bailout. Every homeowner gets at least 3% off their existing mortgage for their primary residence. More if you have a compelling story and are a creative writer. If you own more than that, you're on your own with those. It seems that they want to discourage fraudulent mortgage holders and I'm not sure why this wouldn't work. It seems abundantly clear to me that giving banks more money isn't going to help individual Americans. Instead of giving banks more money, how about getting off the backs of the consumers? More money is being printed? I'm not feeling financial relief. Should I hang out and wait? Refinancing now is stupid because the costs of setting up & executing could cost as much as you'd save. It's the fucking wild west right now in the mortgage market. NO ONE knows what's going on, what to do, or how to handle panic. Banks are turning this into a country of losers.

Now, if I could just figure out how to tell someone who can do something about my plan, so they can officially tell me why it can't be done.

Skelton? WTF.

This sport is such a mystery to me. Why do you think it's called Skeleton? I've been watching such sports on a mystery NBC channel that came up on the Digital Transition box thing. NEAT.

Finally the Make Up Reparations!

The long fabled Make Up Reparations are being distributed starting Jan. 20, 2009!! OMG. I'm parking my car in the garage downtown and not coming back 'til my bag is FULL. I'm bringing water and a power bar for this full contact event. Here's the stores:

• Bergdorf Goodman, Bergner’s, Bloomingdale’s, Boston Store, Carson Pirie Scott, Dillard’s, Gottschalks, Herberger’s, Macy’s, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, Parisian, Saks Fifth Avenue, Younkers

1 free item per high end BRAND!! A big screw you to Estee Lauder for withholding the MAC goodies, but that's ok. I will survive. Lasts only as long as supplies last and there's no gender based discrimination, so guess where my old man is going to be on the 20th? Besides I've sent him to a cosmetics counter or two to feed my habit. Finally, something to off set the costs of the Chanel Nail Polish and Exceptionnel De Chanel Mascara I adore!!

His Name is Vince

And I know you've been wondering about him & the ShamWow!!!

Would be Bruno the New Beyonce?

This is definitely hotter than whatever Beyonce is doing, but is it easier to watch? The jury is still out and I don't know if they'll ever be back with an acceptable answer. What? Oh, this is as hard to watch as a shirtless Garrison Keillor reading The Odyssey? Terrifying. Now, by "ring", does that mean "condom" and by "it", does that mean... Oh, whatever. I'm glad Tina Knowles has expanded her collection to encompass the gender bending bedroom dancers (possible diffusion line: Dereon Jr.?) of the world. That's some good recession-proof work, Tina. Kudos to the hot little gay boyz out there who tirelessly work on their moves. No. Really. If all performers cared that much and had only a single full length mirror to work with, entertainment would be that much more entertaining. Britney, take note.