Holiday Saver

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If your nails have been partying but you're not in a position to be stopped, use a black Sharpie to fill-in-the-blanks on your Black Satin manicure. Not ideal for your nails, I know, but necessary for a pulled together look when not celebrating. I'll only recommend this action for 24 hrs. Immediately do a real mani w/in 24 hours.

Common Sense, Funny & a Void of the Soul...A Little from Column A and A Little from Column B

If you are lacking things to discuss with distant (in every sense of the word) family members or friends of friends this holiday season, please consider the following timely topics:

There are not nearly enough human fatalities on Animal Planet.

James Kim WANTED a GPS system. Since he was the "gadget guy" (nearly every picture of him has an iPOD in there somewhere) for CNET, why didn't he get a Garmin, Tom Tom, or whatever for the trip? If he was waiting for a vendor to send him one to review, whatever. Even the big brains have to give nature its undiscriminating propers. My Brother made a good point. Having a GPS system only lets you know where you might die. Let's move on to: Why did he leave the 2005 Audi station wagon in the first place?

ASIDE: My research indicated that the Tom Tom has maps of the United States, but it's made in Europe. If I was relying on a GPS system to keep me &/or a baby safe in an Oregon snow storm, which couldn't happen, I would appreciate extensive knowledge of the U.S. backwoods. That's not the time to realize the pre-loaded maps do not apply. I'm sure all GPS systems are pretty much the same regarding cities and places where you might just get lost & need directions, but it's the X Factor that seems the most crucial.

If that's no good for you, how about this? Miss Nevada & her friends likes to waste time because they lick the outside of a thong &/or jeans. That's a lose-lose situation in real life. So close, yet SO far away. I guess that's a man's fantasy because it just makes me think she was 3 centimeters of 1/3 millimeter thick fabric away from giving a drunk girl's vagizzle something to remember.

If you're still not impressed, try a round robin of "What James Brown Meant to Me" if you're working a hard room. James Brown really knew how to work a hard room. God took his Son home on Christmas morning. I have no solid evidence that he was NOT the Christ Child. He was certainly NOT a quitter in ANY sense of the word. It seems only fitting that he left quickly and relatively painlessly. Nice. I'm hoping to go the same way. Maybe without the PCP, but who knows? I can't judge. This is a long, precarious life & I cannot predict the future.

Aunties and Uncles everywhere feel a great disturbance in the Force. James Brown, we celebrate your life & hope we have the strength to live as honestly as you did!

American Beauty... Nevada style

Oh Miss Nevada, We never knew ye. So much so that the first five or so times I looked at these pictures I couldn't even figure out which one was you. And it SO didn't matter. Your teenage ass looks great. 17, or 19, year old hubris was your downfall. I don't know what Donald Trump is talking about.

I think Miss Nevada extolls all the virtues Nevada has to offer. I'll call you Miss Nevada any day. She seems like a fun fuck machine that is everything a baby is not.

Miss Teen USA in Barely Legal...I'm so there.

I'm weighing in on the Miss USA, Tera Connor situation. Let's start on a positive note. She was wearing Chanel Black Satin Nail Polish at the press conference. That really means she was heading straight to a bar immediately following the press conference, but before she let the governing bodies deliver her to rehab. I like a girl who goes to rehab to keep her job and Manhattan apartment. I mean really, what's a little rehab when EVERYTHING else is going well?

I'm encountering far less news than I want on Miss Teen USA & Miss Universe's collusion in this program. That kind of partying doesn't exist in a vacuum. If she actually made it that far DESPITE the coke and booze "performance enhancing drugs", doesn't that count? A La Ross Rebagliati, if you can do the job, what is the real problem? It's likely that when I was 20 I might have been Miss USA, I just wouldn't remember it because I was so very high.

There are so many facets to this GREAT story. So she took men to her apartment? What? In NYC? Well isn't that what it's there for? She "dates" club owners? She's as popular w/ the Ladies as she is with the Gents? I can't really believe Trump didn't rub a few out at the mere suggestion that this could have happened. What better land to survey for Marriage FOUR, or at least an array of blow jobs, than the pageant circuit? I wish she and Miss Teen USA, Katie Blair, were dethroned because the next logical step is Barely Legal. I know Miss USA is a little long in the tooth for Barely Legal, but let's look at the bigger porn picture. I would buy that. This is a springboard for her to create a lucrative empire of pussy. More than Miss USA would pay.

I implore the paparazzi to get on this story. Do your job, dig for material, get your hands dirty. Go to other coast and get to work. Forget the West Coast celebutards. They're so OVER compared to this.

Recon Etiquette 2.0

Feel free to apply the post below to nudists and wife swappers. Same inappropriate ilk, different party. Double true dat.

Holiday Party Foul...Etiquette 2.0

Let me just begin by saying any holiday garbage you have to attend should never involve a sentence beginning w/ a bitter, "My Girlfriend's, Girlfriend...". It's a colossal PARTY FOUL. Actually ANY sentence like that, even without the bitterness, is not what you want. Unless it is. I know I don't want it. The baby learned a bit about "ear muffs" that day.


PROBLEM:
* The people involved in uttering these words are never the people you want to imagine...EWWWW...you know...

* It frequently makes EVERYONE uncomfortable in the Rosie- O'Donnell-this-is-going-on-for-so-long kinda way.

* Just a little too freaky to drop on a stranger @ a holiday function. So much so that I might even remember the names of these people so I can ask the host if they'll be @ the next party there. Or maybe anywhere.

* I don't think they are necessarily trying to solicit party guests. They are trying to "out freak", a/k/a get attention from, anyone who'll listen.

* Not a good example to a baby of HANDLE YOUR SCANDAL.

Ok. Since I pinpointed the problem, I would never leave you hanging! SOLUTIONS that effectively shut 'em down.

* If you are afforded the option of not making initial eye contact, bolt for another room as soon as you realize where this chit chat is going.

* Try to change the subject. This doesn't always work because people w/ an agenda are hard to stop.

* Refer to the baby, in any possible way, to exit the room.

* OUT CRAZY the CRAZY. Go fucking nuts on them and start telling them about the Marin County Adult Diaper fetish and try to sell them some breastmilk for $175.00 USD an ounce. Make sure to add that the baby has some formula that can be whipped up real quick. Assure the offending parties he'll never miss the breastmilk. If they're persistent, offer them a diaper.

Now this last one worked 100% of the time right up until this weekend. A hardcore offender suggested to me you don't have to have a baby to lactate. She was the Hong-Kong action hero of not stopping an agenda. Hard ball. I had to counter w/ "Excuse me. I need to make a phone call to unload six ounces of this milk if you're not interested. It's going to spoil in the next 2 hours. Do you need any clean urine?". Guaranteed out.

I am not judging. I am all about getting off, no matter how you do it. I am just wanting people to understand the consequences of a particularly inappropriate party foul.

Circa before a baby knows Chrismas

Well this is it. The baby will NEVER not know about Christmas after this year. It's just going to get filthier and more costly every year. I take absolute pleasure in not entertaining the baby w/ holiday...paraphernalia.

BFF Breakup, Etiquette & Things That Work

Something that works for babies of any age is good communication & factual intel. Really. It makes the entire child care melee easier and more efficient. It models well for the child. It's win - win. Now this is something that seems SO basic, but it is not handed out on your way out of the hospital. Communication is also good etiquette. It's a baby worthy virtue.

Can you believe Britney thinks not knowing Paris is the solution to her problem? Let me assure you, I know where she's coming from because I've been there myself. This is no time to turn on such a wealthy friend. A real BFF would RECOGNIZZLE her girl holding her legs together when she's too loaded to do it herself. That's called a FAVOR. A favor a friend doesn't have to do. It's every broad for herself when trying to keep the old sniglet covered.

Giantess

Both Gwen Stefani and Fergie's dancers are diminutive and anonymous to make them look like giant women w/ giant personalities. Perhaps the springboard to success is catering to the "Giantess Fetish". I really kinda hope so. I don't think this is the first time "back up" has made the vocalist, but these desperate times call for desperate and larger than life, giant, measures. Fetishes make money and so does an effective giantess.

My Space Blogs...I don't believe it.

I keep hoping My Space will go away because I'm not in high school and I don't live in a dorm room, but I've been assured it's not going anywhere. I like to be lied to in person. I appreciate the effort of hand to hand combat. I don't know why I don't believe celebrities are actually writing their own blogs. Just a gut feeling. Anyone can open an account, for almost anything, using any name & start banging away @ the keys. That and it's on the Internet.

Anyway, after reading this, I do believe someone not all that on the ball is writing. Paris Hilton wants people to increase the peace for Britney? Please. That's like J Zee wanting me to give money to whatever cause he was talking about on MTV. Apparently, he recently JUST found out that Africa is full of poor people who need clean water. What? How about this: Go ahead and kick down a couple million in cash and I'll get "my part" back to you in my next paycheck. Charity starts @ home. A home w/ its own team of accountants and lawyers on retainer. When that's my home, you'll be the first to know.

Cheers

If you've had it with the Holidays, Baby Einstien DVDs and Raffi, try a little Beer Fest. Rated R baby. Even if you don't love beer as much as they do, Broken Lizard does not disappoint. Jay Chandrasekhar is still a strong director and Beer Fest even garners a cameo by Willy Nelson. I think it's an "I'm not holding you responsible for this" favor to Mr. Chandrasekhar after the Dukes of Hazzard. In the spirit & execution of Old School and Todd Phillips, this movie gets 5 poopy diapers for character & plot development while adding depth to the formulaic beer drinking movie.

Seriously. These clasic movies maximize their "R" ratings. Perfect for infants 10 months and under OR 18 and over. Do dat.

Four Babies and Beyonce Lies?

Ok, I didn't see the point in discussing the insane nature of Paris Hilton wanting four kids before she's 30, but why not? She doesn't have unpredictable "celebrity money", she has FAMILY MONEY, which is an entirely different animal. Don't get it twisted. When Fergie (32. Are you sure?) is your waitress this evening, Paris will still have a bottomless bank account. She can actually afford four kids and even if the kids NEVER had any contact w/ anyone in the Hilton family, they would be loved by a mind boggling, insanely well paid, team of nannies. That's the difference between a nanny and a baby sitter. Just imagine the jobs this could create in California. And as for four kids? I've heard the birth of each baby ages the mother 10 years because it's so stressful on the body, not mention the vagizzle. Get down with your bad self, Paris. Though I'm not sure ANY of the math in this equation works, please fulfill yourself four times before age 30 because that would put you right around your mid 70's. Follow through on this good idea!! Who's going to help her install a carseat in her awesome car? Oh, right. SOMEONE ELSE.

...Yes...someone else... Now this makes sense to me. As a chronic age liar and nobody, I get it. Beyonce has the right to lie. She also runs the risk of being discovered. I'm 32 also!!... just like my never-say-die girl, Fergie. I can honestly say I don't care if Beyonce lies about her age. She can do whatever she does and it seems like it's working as much as it ever did. I guess it might have mattered five or six years ago, but she's paid now. I don't see the truth working against her.

Babies lie about their age all the time. Pretending they can't talk and all...Wah... I'm a baby...I can't talk...I'm cute. I've heard all the excuses.

Pack Back!

Today the metal frame back pack was tested. Five poopy diapers up!! Storage under and a position the baby can STAY asleep in! Frees up the front and also makes sense since babies can get pretty heavy on the front.

Papa Can You Hear Me?

I think the MOST confusing thing about this is that Eddie Murphy was being interviewed by the Dutch media at all. Well that and the fact that Scary Spice thought the rebound was forever. Not sure it's his? Let's just take a gander @ the Posh Spice Playbook. She might know what the real world, and a "REAL JOB", is like. Do you see her cheating or more importantly, divorcing? Hells NO. What's she going to do? Trade up? Scary Spice didn't cheat. Realistically, she was one day away from being your newest Barista.

Separated at Birth? Britney & Catherine Heigel

Check out this Old Jane that looks remarkably like Britney Spears sorta the way she looks now, but younger.

Monday Reminder: Don't forget to take your birth control pills!

The Seasonless No Brainer Gift

Dealing w/ a babies, of any age, is a little dragdown when you must power shop & TCB. When you absolutely can't show up empty handed, even those w/ an armful of baby, sometimes you play the game. Most of the time, a baby is the tiny human toolbelt of access. Baby makes you and where ever you are acceptable. It's ok for you to be there & no one wants to ask you why you're there. TWO TIMES!! Baby is also an awesome device for LEAVING. "I left the __________ in the car.", or silently point at the baby, "make" a confused look on your face, shrug your shoulders and walk away. 99% of the time it totally works.

Amazingly, around the holidays, that's not enough for some people. I resort to the most utilitarian gift. A pound of coffee. Very low impact. So far, I haven't had anyone reject this gift. Not only that, but ordering online makes it too easy. Right up to my front door. Didn't have to drive anywhere, no carseat, wasn't forced into an a crowd or interaction w/ another human, requires no wrapping and if no one wants it, it will get used. Now that's a closed system that works.

Consider the hilarity that would ensue after giving Baby just a sip of lukewarm coffee 1 or 2 minutes right before you return the Monster to his owners. However, don't under estimate the ruthless moves of his parental handlers. They might do the same to you. A risky and unethical gamble, like giving the CostCo sized SCOPE Mouth Wash as a gift.

Sometimes you gots to play.